Exploring alternatives to traditional monogamous relationships has become more accessible than ever before. This is something I have personally experienced and have witnessed more couples finding success hacking together a relationship that works for them and those around them. This post will offer insight into all aspects of alt couples, from the different types of alternative relationships, benefits, criticism, and challenges faced, to how to create healthy boundaries, navigating social situations, and successful strategies for maintaining an alt relationship. Whether you’re in an alt relationship or just curious, this post will provide a comprehensive guide on this topic.
Different Types of Alternative Relationships
Alternative relationships are challenging typical relationship models. In fact, these types of relationships challenge the concept of monogamy and the assumption that person can only form connection with one partner at a time. At the same time, the boundaries and arrangements of these relationships are clearly determined and agreed upon by the participants.
There are many different types of alternative relationships, including polyamory, open relationships, monogamish, and queerplatonic. While each of these relationship types has a distinct definition, all share a common theme of participants choosing to expand their allowable connections and expressions of love outside of traditional boundaries.
Polyamory
Polyamory is the practice of having more than one romantic relationship of any kind at the same time, with different people. Polyamorous relationships are based on trust, respect and open communication among all parties. A given polyamorous relationship could include any number of people, from a pair of people who consider themselves to be in a relationship together, to large network of people who are all connected to each other in some capacity.
The benefits of polyamory include greater connection opportunities, the ability to love and be loved by multiple people, and the freedom to explore a variety of relationship styles. Drawbacks can include feelings of insecurity, practicality issues, emotionally distance, and potential jealousy.
Open Relationships
An open relationship is a type of relationship in which both partners are allowed to open encounters with a third party. Unlike polyamory, open relationships typically only involve romantic and or sexual activities, and not the commitment or love relationships. Open relationships typically have an agreement between two people that they are both allowed to pursue sexual encounters with other people, as long as all boundaries are followed.
The benefits of an open relationship include the opportunity to explore sexual desire and fantasy freely, as well as having greater freedom in terms of relationship commitments. Drawbacks can include feelings of insecurity and jealousy, as well as practicality issues if both partners decide to pursue third parties at the same time.
Monogamish
Monogamish relationships is when two people are in a general agreement to remain monogamous, but are open to occasional sexual encounters outside of the primary relationship partnership. Monogamish relationships often involve partners engaging in occasional sexual or romantic encounters with other people, while at the same time maintaining a chosen fidelity within the relationship.
The benefits of monogamish relationships include the freedom to explore and engage in different sexual encounters as well as remaining in a committed relationship. Drawbacks can include feelings of insecurity, potential jealousy, and risking of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.
Queerplatonic
Queerplatonic relationships involve strong bonds and mutual commitment between two people, yet without the assumption of sexual or romantic ties. It is a relationship between two people that goes beyond the normal scope of romantic relationships, yet is not quite a purely platonic relationship either. This type of relationship is based on mutual understanding, trust, and often includes a great deal of physical touch and activity, including things that could otherwise be considered romantic.
The benefits of queerplatonic relationships include the ability to form strong, intimate bonds without the need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship. Drawbacks can involve potential feelings of uncertainty, insecurity, and potential difficulties in explaining the relationship to other people.
Benefits of Being in an Alt Relationship
Being in an alt relationship has many benefits for those involved. Open-minded and welcoming of non-traditional love and partnerships, these alternative relationships provide emotional support, creative problem solving, and unique opportunities in combining resources.
Pooling Resources
For those in an alt relationship, the ability to pool their resources together often leads to many advantages. By combining finances, living space, and other resources, couples can make more of their collective income, save money, and expedite larger goals such as buying a house or travelling abroad.
Supportive Networks
Alt couples also benefit from being in a supportive network of people who understand their struggles and celebrate their successes. This type of support system eliminates judgement and opens up the possibility to exchange advice, share thoughts and experiences without fear or ridicule.
Sexual & Emotional Fulfillment
An important element of non-conventional relationships is the ability to have open and honest discussions about sexual desires and new ways to express intimacy. Couples can explore activities, fantasies and emotions in a comfortable and safe atmosphere, which can increase the bond of the group, as well as create deeper connection and understanding.
Creative Problem Solving
Issues that arise within an alt relationship can be addressed and solved together. By addressing issues as a group, alternative solutions can be created, tested and discussed, teaching individuals to consider different perspectives and become more innovative.
Unconventional Love
From a romantic triad to a queerplatonic partnership or a polyamorous family, individuals can learn to appreciate and accept different forms of love and companionship. This expansive capacity to love teaches those in alt relationships to bring joy even in unexpected and unconventional places.
Examples of Success
Throughout history, there have been numerous examples of alt couples who have been in successful relationships for long periods of time. From Chevalier dʼEon and Charles-Genevieve-Louis-Auguste-Andre Timothee dʼEon de Beaumont to modern day triads and queerplatonic couples, these examples provide further insight into the benefits of being in an alt relationship.
Alt relationships offer a unique opportunity for individuals to find unconventional love and companionship. From creative problem solving to emotional support, these relationships provide individuals with the tools to make more of their collective income, explore new ideas, strengthen bonds and unleash joy in places that may have otherwise gone undetected.
Criticism and Challenges Faced by Alt Couples
Alt couples can face a lot of criticism, challenges, and assumptions – within the community and outside it. As with any relationship, it can be difficult to break down the social stigma that so often surrounds alternative relationships, and to obtain the acceptance and support of family members and peers.
Criticism from Society
A huge stumbling block for alt couples can often be that of simply achieving recognition, acceptance, and support from society as a whole. People in polyamorous, or other kinds of alternative relationships, often find that their relationship choices are met with disbelief, shock, or even contempt.
For some alt couples, this social stigma and judgement can be incredibly difficult to navigate, leading to feelings of isolation or even shame.
Criticism from Other Couples
Unfortunately, alt couples may also experience harsh judgement and assumptions from other couples.
Alt couples are often seen as abnormal, as if their relationships are somehow “less than” traditional ones.
Additionally, outsiders may miss the beautiful complexities that often come with alternative relationships, concerning consent, respect, communication, and understanding.
Legal Issues
Alt couples may also encounter legal issues, particularly in regards to polyamory. There are currently no laws that specifically protect polyamory, which can leave polyamorous relationships vulnerable and unprotected in the event of divorce or death.
For example, polyamory is not recognised as a form of partnership in some countries, which means polyamorous alt couples may not be able to access medical or other benefits.
Financial Challenges Faced by Alt Couples
Financial considerations are another hurdle alt couples may face. As with any relationship, alt couples must be mindful of making sure their partners’ needs are met – and this can be incredibly difficult when outside forces are working against them.
For those in polyamorous relationships, managing finances amongst a larger pool of people can be a tricky situation to navigate. This may include budgeting, providing financial support to all partners, or managing assets and debts.
Struggles with Family Support and Acceptance
Alt couples may experience a lack of familial support as well. Parents, siblings, grandparents and/or other relatives may find it difficult to accept and support a non-traditional relationship, which can cause further challenges and heartache.
Mental Health Risks Not Experienced by Other Couples
Further, the social stigma, legal issues, financial struggles and lack of familial acceptance, can lead to mental health risks not faced by other couples. An alt couple may find that the challenges they face are all too much, causing stress, anxiety, and depression.
Example of Resilience
Despite the uphill battle faced by so many alt couples, it’s important to remember that these challenges can be overcome. For example, many alt couples have found ways to successfully navigate the difficulties posed by society, family members and legal institutions, ultimately creating genuine and lasting relationships.
One such couple is Sarah and Mike, both in their mid-thirties, who had to go through a long, hard process to ensure that their polyamorous relationship was accepted and supported by both their families. After a lot of hard work, they are able to live openly and honestly with their relationship and, in the process, have been an inspiration to many other alt couples.
How to Create Healthy Boundaries as an Alt Couple
A relationship is made up of two autonomous individuals creating a union. Navigating that duality as an alternative couple can come with its own unique challenges, but it can also bring great joy and fulfillment. The key to maintaining a secure connection is to have healthy boundaries in place. Here are 5 tips that can help alt couples build a foundation of respect and trust.
Acknowledge Each Other’s Points of View
At the heart of a healthy relationship is respect. When starting out as an alt couple, it is important to acknowledge each other’s points of view, boundaries and expectations. Discussing what each partner is comfortable with and their boundaries should happen early on, and should be revisited as needed. It is equally important to respect each other’s opinions and decisions. Establishing a non-judgmental environment is essential for both partners to feel safe to express themselves.
Communicate Openly and Honestly
Open communication is one of the most important aspects of any successful relationship. Alt couples should make it a habit to share their feelings and needs without fear of judgement or rejection. Creating a space that allows each partner to speak freely and listen to the other without interruption or assumption is the key to a healthy dialogue. Allowing each other the freedom to express negative feelings or to take ownership of uncomfortable situations can be extremely beneficial in preventing miscommunication and resentment.
Establish Trust
Trust can be difficult to build, but it is essential for any healthy relationship to thrive. Alt couples should start by creating a secure environment in which each partner feels safe to express their vulnerabilities. Partners should strive to find a balance between working towards a larger mutual goal and recognizing each other’s independent personhood. Discussing topics such as boundary action plans and areas of need can help couples to acquire the trust needed for a successful unionship.
Respect Each Other’s Autonomy
As independent individuals, alt couples should find a balance between being autonomous individuals and creating a union. Once the relationship has been established, it is important to remember that each partner should still have their own interests, ambitions and personal space. Allowing each to have separate friendships, connections and interests outside of the relationship helps couples to stay true to their individual personhoods, while creating stronger trust and connection within the union.
Serve Compassion
Compassion goes a long way when creating healthy boundaries in a relationship, especially in an alternative relationship. It is important to focus on understanding and caring for one another. Cultivating a safe and supportive space that allows open communication and individual freedom can help strengthen the relationship bond. When partners practice compassion towards each other, they can create a trusting and secure environment that can instill a sense of self-love and acceptance for both individuals in the union.
Finding Community Through Alt Couples
At one time, relationships that might be considered outside of the mainstream faced many challenges. Many alt couples experienced loneliness, invisibility, and isolation due to lack of support from family, friends or society at large.
This often left alt couples searching for a way to connect with one another and receive the understanding they were so desperately seeking.
Fortunately, many such couples were in luck. As awareness expanded, so too did their chances of finding one another, and eventually, the Alt Couples’ Alliance arose along with other organizations, events and platforms aimed at creating a sense of acceptance and community amongst like-minded individuals.
Well-Known Events & Organizations
Burning Man is perhaps one of the most well-known events in the world where alt couples join together with like-minded people to build a society temporarily in the middle of a desert. Other similar events include Rainbow Serpent in Australia, Dragon Dreaming in New Zealand, Mystic Garden Festival in Croatia and Boom Festival in Portugal.
The Alt Couples’ Alliance stands as an exceptional example of one of the most prominent alt couples organizations currently in operation today. Their mission is to provide a safe, non-judgmental environment for high-functioning couples to socialize, connect, and grow.
Making Connections & Strengthening Relationships
By hosting meaningful events and providing worthwhile resources to support the alt couples’ lifestyle, the Alt Couples Alliance has helped to facilitate many powerful and inspiring connections between couples since its inception.
Take, for example, the inspiring story of Chris and Sasha. Chris and Sasha were both members of the Alt Couples Alliance and it was through this organization that they eventually found each other.
“It was amazing to feel inspired again,” said Chris. “Before finding the Alliance and meeting Sasha, I was feeling trapped by the conventional standards of society. The Alliance made all the difference and by finding each other, we’ve been able to build an incredibly strong and beautiful relationship.”
The story of Chris and Sasha only serves to illustrate the power of these communities and the sense of togetherness they foster. This kind of support for alt couples is something that wasn’t available to past generations, and today, the magnitude of such communities should not be underestimated.
Summary
Alt couples have a unique struggle, as the increasing acceptance of this lifestyle is still relatively new. Fortunately, many events and organizations have been created to foster a sense of understanding and connections between those who found themselves feeling like outsiders.
These stories, in addition to inspiring others, show that, while the journey to connection is often uncertain and at times challenging, it is ultimately rewarding. As more people seek understanding, acceptance, and community, the need for connection will likely continue to be met.
Navigating Social Settings as an Alt Couple
Being in a relationship means navigating the obstacles life throws at us together, but for couples with an alternative lifestyle, it can be especially difficult, as not everyone may be accepting or knowledgeable of the relationship. That’s why it’s so important for alt couples to establish boundaries and display ownership of their relationship in a place of respect — both for the couple and those around them.
Establishing Boundaries
When couples venture out into public, it’s important that they’re on the same page about just how affectionate they will be, to establish boundaries that feel comfortable for both partners. Keep in mind, however, that respect for others around them also plays a key role in determining boundaries. For example, if you’re at a work event, you should be mindful to not overtly express affection in front of any coworkers.
Together, you and your partner should set expectations and boundaries that both of you agree on. This could include items like acceptable physical contact, how to address each other in the public and what language is appropriate when interacting with strangers, especially if they are not necessarily aware of the lifestyle the couple practices.
Asserting Ownership
It can be difficult and intimidating for some couples to assert ownership of their relationship in front of other people, such as strangers. Even though there is often an internal struggle, couples in an alternative lifestyle should learn how to effectively communicate ownership that is respectful and can be understood by anyone.
Practicing the appropriate way to interactively express appreciation or admiration for your partner in the presence of others can help increase the couple’s confidence. Terms such as “my partner” or “our relationship” should be used instead of “friend” or “boyfriend/girlfriend” when addressing each other in the presence of others. Of course, appropriate physical contact such as displaying hand-holding, hugs, or an arm over each other’s shoulder should be used judiciously.
Communicating with Others
Couples who have an understanding of the lifestyle they practice are more likely to be comfortable and confident in social situations. Forging ahead when others may not necessarily be aware of the couple’s relationship can be a struggle, however. Likely, awkard sixuzations can arise in conversation, and reframing the conversation or diverting to a different topic can be a necessary tactic. It’s also important to remain respectful and diplomatic, especially when people are unfamiliar with the couple’s varying lifestyle.
Humor is also a great tool to use in conversing with those who may be in “the dark” about the relationship, as it allows the couple to communicate their appreciation for each other in a way that is respectful and grabs the attention of the outsider.
Adapting Strategies
Finally, couples should be prepared to adjust their strategies when out at different social settings. Family gatherings, work-related events, or parties don’t always have the same atmosphere or expectations, so it’s important to be mentally flexible and ready to shift gears if need be.
When it comes to garnering respect at social gatherings, couples should present themselves and their relationship in manners that are both professional and endearing. This means remaining as engaged as possible, being mindful of language and physical contact, and knowing what’s expected of them in the setting.
Alt couples should communicate their needs, expectations and boundaries to those around them, and know that it’s okay to create an environment of acceptance and understanding — regardless of how said people may feel. Couples that practice this mindset and way of living entice acceptance and even admiration from those around them.
Alternative Dating and Finding an Alt Partner
Different types of people choose to follow lifestyles outside of the social norm. For those looking for something a bit more exciting, alternative relationships – or alt couples – offer many opportunities to explore different ways of connecting and building meaningful relationships.
The most common alternative relationship styles include polyamory, swinging, BDSM, kink, and open relationships. In polyamory, individuals have several romantic partners at once and are often emotionally and sexually involved in several relationships simultaneously. Swinging involves consensual partner swapping and can involve both singles and couples. BDSM or bondage/discipline/sadism/masochism is an activities-based form of relationship that emphasizes experimentation, safety, and consent. Kink is an umbrella term for a wide range of activities involving dominance, submission, role play, and sensation play. An open relationship is a form of non-monogamous relationship where partners are involved with one another, but can also engage in sexual and/or romantic activities with friends and acquaintances outside the primary relationship.
Advantages of Alternative Relationships
Alternative relationships offer a variety of advantages for those interested in exploring something beyond a traditional relationship. Establishing strong communication between partners, having mental independence, and enhanced sexual gratification can often result from following an alt relationship dynamic. It also offers freedom from cultural constraints and it gives individuals the space to explore each other emotions and desires. Additionally, it can build a strong sense of trust and understanding between the partners.
Existing Representations of Alt Couples
Alternative relationships are popping up in a variety of forms of media, such as television shows, movies, and books. Examples of this include the Fifty Shades series, Vanderpump Rules, and I Love Lucy. While these fictitious representations of alternative couples do not fully capture the complexities of the situation, they can serve as a representation of what is attainable.
Disadvantages of Alternative Relationships
For some, entering into an alternative relationship may come with its own risks. Among those include potential judgment from friends, family and society, making sure all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to it, and potential rejection from the mainstream. It’s important to research the nuances of the lifestyle so that any discomfort and anxiety may be avoided.
Tips for Those Interested in Alternative Relationships
For those interested in alternative relationships, it is important to approach the conversation in an open and honest manner with any potential partners. Set expectations from the beginning and make sure every party is comfortable with the dynamics and boundaries of the relationship. In addition, it is important to build a support system of friends and family who are understanding of the situation and can offer helpful advice when needed.
Example of Alt Couples
There are a multitude of successful alt couples that illustrate that, when done properly, alternative relationships can be as strong and meaningful as traditional ones. Such examples include actor Zooey Deschanel, who has been married and also engaged in swing relationships, and comedian Marc Maron, who is openly polyamorous. Their examples show that with positive intentions, open conversations and mutual respect and understanding, alternative relationships of all types can be rewarding and enduring.
Successful Strategies for Maintaining an Alt Relationship
Couples looking to confidently tackle the unique aspects of an alt relationship will find it helpful to understand strategies that can help build and maintain communication, trust, respect and more within the relationship. Here are 8 important strategies for alt couples.
Communicating Honestly & Openly
Couples in alt relationships, like any relationship, need to keep an open dialogue that encourages honesty and respect. Talking openly is essential, as it allows partners to voice their individual needs, desires, and opinions without judgment or anger. These conversations can help reduce misunderstandings and encourage a safe environment for deeper communication.
Setting Boundaries & Respecting Agreements
Strong alt relationships are based on respect, safety, and mutual understanding. When boundaries are clearly established, both partners know the limits of the relationship, which promotes trust and security. It is important to agree on boundaries and ensure both partners respect any agreements that are reached between each other.
Taking Time For Self-Care
Part of any successful relationship is spending quality time with one’s partner. But in order to keep an alt relationship healthy and thriving, it is also important each partner makes time for self-care activities. This might include talking a solo walk, taking a hot bath, or engaging in another activity that recharges an individual mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Giving Each Other Space & Trust
Alt couples must recognize both the importance of trust and space within the relationship. Trust enables partners to confidently depend on one another, while also understanding that each individual may require some time and space to enjoy solo activities. Respect for each other and for boundaries set in the relationship will help lead to greater stability and understanding between the two.
Challenging Norms & Social Stigmas
Alt relationships come with their own set of perspectives, opinions, and viewpoints that are shaped by its particular values, beliefs, and culture. These social roles and expectations can sometimes be challenging for the couple to confront. It is important that partners openly address these challenges and speak honestly about any opposing viewpoints they encounter.
Prioritizing Compromise & Problem-Solving
Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship and understanding how to manage and resolve them is essential. From situations in which one’s needs are not met to miscommunications, couples must approach these challenges in a way that prioritizes both partners’ needs. This could include asking questions in a nonjudgmental way, listening with an open mind, and taking a moment to ascertain the root cause.
Celebrate Uniqueness & Differences
In order to nurture a successful relationship, it is vital that partners take the time to explore and celebrate their individual and shared values and passions. Doing so allows partners to better understand each other and celebrates the unique things that enhance their connection with one another.
Example:
One alt couple, Peter and Christina, have done an excellent job at implementing the strategies discussed. They have a weekly date night rule, where they take the time to talk about the day’s events but also discuss their individual values and the dynamics of their relationship. This time also allows for honest discussions about any boundaries or communication issues that have come up during the week. They have also exchanged their individual “yes” and “no” lists with one another, helping them better understand how their individual boundaries fit into their relationship without judgment or pressure. Peter and Christina both take the time to ensure they each have some solo activities and passions, which allows them to recharge, grow independently, and better understand one another’s needs.
Conclusion
Alt couples are an empowering alternative to traditional relationship models. They come with their own set of benefits, criticism and challenges. By creating healthy boundaries and finding communities of like-minded people, couples in alt relationships can navigate social settings and have successful relationships. Finding an alt partner and navigating alternative dating is all part of the adventure. Having an open and accepting attitude will support alternative couples in their journey of exploring different relationships and living their authentic lives.